


1981-1998

by biggaywerewolf



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Depression, Five Stages of Grief, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Multi, One Night Stands
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:14:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25131463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biggaywerewolf/pseuds/biggaywerewolf
Summary: This is basically gonna cover the years between James and Lily's deaths and Sirius' imprisonement through to Remus' death at the Battle of Hogwarts all from Remus' perspective. There's gonna be a lot of angst, pining, a mix of relationships, and some happy stuff in there I swear.
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Remus Lupin/Severus Snape, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 2





	1981-1998

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer** I do not own any of the characters in the Harry Potter universe featured in this fic!
> 
> JK Rowling sucks but I’ve been thinking about writing this in some form for years and like fuck am I gonna let her terfy ass stop me. 
> 
> This is very much a self-indulgent fic, idk how long its gonna be, and I might decide to re-write it/tidy up the further through it I get but I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Lyrics from Lover to Lover - Florence and the Machine

Remus’ eyelids fluttered open, his head pounding rhythmically. As his eyes adjusted to the brightness of the sky above him, he became aware of a stiffness in his limbs and back unbefitting of his 24-year-old body. He gingerly shifted his sore limbs as he attempted to sit up on the hard, partially rotten, park bench on which he had spent the night – or at least the last few hours of it. A wave of nausea crashed over him and he pitched forward onto all fours, retching the acidic cocktail that had been brewing in his stomach onto the pathway in front of him. He was dimly aware of a young family casting him dark looks as they passed by. 

Taking several deep breaths to steady himself, Remus lifted himself back onto the bench. With every beat of his heart his skull seemed to compress his brain further, while the bright Sunday morning light lanced through his head like a white-hot poker. Groaning, he tenderly stretched out his limbs, cracking and popping in more than a few places, and yawned, pieces of the night returning to him sudden and fleeting as camera flashes, and just as piercing in his delicate condition. 

He’d spent the night much the same as he’d spent most nights for the last couple of years – drunk, either in a bar or an alleyway, sometimes alone or with strangers. Anything to distract himself from the aching loneliness that lived inside his chest and tore at his bones from within like a wild beast. A wild beast? He half-smirked at the irony of that thought as he heaved himself up, threw his tattered jacket over his shoulder and meandered his way to his dingy flat on the outskirts of town. His mind drifted as he walked…  
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**_There’s no salvation for me now,  
no space among the clouds,  
and I’ve seen I’m heading down…_**

_6 hours earlier…  
Clutching his beer bottle to his chest he moved with the music, letting the rhythm control his body, scarcely conscious of how his limbs danced around the crammed dancefloor. Despite the dulling effect of the alcohol his nose was bombarded by the sour odour of sweat, stale vomit, cheap perfume and alcohol. The bass line pounded in his chest and head, voices smothered him, he could still taste stomach acid from his recent tactical spew in the dirty club toilets. He was dimly aware of a guy dancing with him, his arm draped around Remus’ neck, their hips grinding together to the beat, his hot breath flooding over Remus’ collarbone. Remus found himself gripping the man’s _(Sam? Is that his name…)_ hip tighter and guiding their dance a touch more animalistic than before. He felt more than heard Sam groan against him and felt his appreciation against his thigh. _

_Something tugged uncomfortably in Remus’ stomach, a deeply uncomfortable feeling that was somehow linked to his brain – was it shame? Disgust? He quickly swallowed a gulp of beer to quell it before it could grow and take control._  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Remus reached his flat door and inserted the key into the lock. It had a habit of sticking and in his exhausted state he almost growled at it, resting his head against the dull cream door as he jimmied it. Eventually it clicked and he shuffled into the cramped hallway, throwing his jacket half-heartedly at the coat-stand and stumbling into the bathroom. He turned the shower on while he undressed. Catching sight of himself in the mirror he grimaced. He’d neglected to eat as regularly as he should’ve recently, and what he did get down usually made a reappearance in the early hours of the morning in one of the town’s clubs or back-alleys; his ribs and hip bones stood out prominently. His skin had a sallow hue to it where it wasn’t covered in old scars and new wounds alike from his monthly transformation. He leaned in to examine his face; his cheeks were sunken and he’d let his stubble grow through more than usual, and his once-bright eyes stared hollowly back at him. Deep down he found he didn’t care.

He climbed into the shower and let the hot water soothe his weary body, hanging his head under the water. His mind wandered again back to the night’s events and suddenly the heat became too much with the sensory overload of the memories and he sharply twisted the temperature knob down to freezing. The cold water pummelled his body but did nothing to quiet his mind.  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
_3 hours earlier…  
Remus detangled himself from the sweaty limbs draped over him and dressed surprisingly efficiently given his level of intoxication. He grabbed his jacket from where it had been carelessly flung to the floor not so long before and headed to the door. He looked back over his shoulder at Sam, snoring delicately, blonde hair mussed up, sprawled across the bed. That same uncomfortable feeling tugged insistently behind Remus’ navel and he walked out of the flat, head hung low. His mind started to blur a little, as he set off in the general direction of home, the sunrise just starting to peak over the horizon, a faint orange slither at the base of the infinite inky blackness that surrounded him._  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Breathing raggedly, Remus switched off the shower. His tawny hair was plastered to his head, cold water dripping down around his feet. He shivered. He mustn’t have made it far from Sam’s _(Was that even his name?)_ before finding the bench to collapse on. 

Remus spotted his towel on the floor and reached for it. It was still damp, and he wrinkled his nose in disgust at the musty smell coming off it. He took it with him to the bedroom and threw it lazily into the laundry hamper before selecting a clean pair of boxers and an old t-shirt which hung too big off his hollow frame. His stomach let out a loud complaint and he scratched at it absently through the shirt. Fearing he might fall unconscious should he stand still too long he decided to grab a quick bite from his kitchen before getting into bed. As another wave of nausea hit him he briefly considered checking his potions kit for a quick pepper-up potion, or some of his special anti-hangover brew but he decided against it. The last thing he wanted right now was a clear mind.

He brushed his damp hair back from his face and scrutinized his near-bare cupboards for a quick meal. Settling on toast he rustled up a couple of slices, ate them just as fast and stumbled back to the bedroom, asleep before his head hit the pillow. 

He hadn’t noticed the elderly wizard perched on one of his cheap plastic dining chairs, piercing blue eyes watching him through half-moon spectacles.


End file.
